


What's Left Of The Ones We Love

by storyofmine



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, after character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:30:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14515428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyofmine/pseuds/storyofmine
Summary: After Niall's death the four remaining members of One Direction have a hard time moving on.





	What's Left Of The Ones We Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on Wattpad but I'm uploading all my stories to ao3 as well.
> 
> I try my best but English is not my first language and I make mistakes ^^ Please keep that in mind while reading my stories. Thank you *gives you a hug*
> 
> You can also send me prompts and questions on my Tumblr: xstoryofminex.tumblr.com

Raindrops were falling from the sky. It was not the kind of rain where the raindrops were big and left big circles in the water. No, they were small and it was almost like they weren't falling but sinking down to earth. Calming almost. Safe.

Liam hated the weather. How could the sky dare bless them with such a wonderful sight when all he wanted was the biggest storm to ever exist? It certainly wasn't the time for the peaceful pitter-patter against or the smell of beautiful fresh air that came through the openend window.

He used to love this house and everything that came with it. The cozy interior design, the always green garden with the apple trees and, of course, the people who lived there.

They were here with him as well. All three. Liam held his head high even though he felt like crying in the nearest corner. He was the strong one, the one who was supposed to be there for the others and to protect them.

His eyes landed on his most important people:  
Harry, who was sitting at the table with his arms on the surface and his head burried into it. Without seeing his face, Liam knew Harry was crying but the long, curly locks helped shielding him from the beautiful, cruel world.  
Louis, who was just standing in the hallway and starring at nothing in particular. His face was an emotionless mask but Liam knew what was going on inside of his head.  
Zayn, who was just outside, that's why Liam couldn't look at him right now. He was, just like Louis, just sitting on one of the steps in their garden and starring into the rain like it had any answers. Answers for questions they didn't have.

Liam closed his eyes. There was one person missing and even though he knew it wasn't his fault, he felt like it was. He was supposed to protect all of them and let nothing bad happen to them and yet he failed because they were only four when they used to be five.

Liam couldn't protect Niall.

He tried, oh how hard he tried to care for him but in the end nobody was able to help him and this gruesome disease took their boy away from them. That's why the rain shouldn't be this calm! Because his family, his friends were sad and Niall wasn't here anymore and it was supposed to be storming because that's what Liam felt like inside.

Why couldn't he save Niall?! Why? Wasn't he strong enough? Didn't he try hard enough?

The doctors told them all that there was nothing left to do and Liam knew that but that didn't mean that he understood why he, the strong one, couldn't heal his best friend. It broke him.

If someone would look at him right now, they would see a person like Zayn or Louis or even Harry. Liam didn't know how the time could go forward. Time wasn't allowed to continue without their young boy. Time didn't seem to exist to Liam anymore while he was just standing there with his eyes closed while remembering the last exhausting, hurting months.

\---

_"But I have to sing. We are supposed to be on stage for the next few months. You can heal me, right? I can't miss our concerts and I won't let them sing without me", Niall said. His voice was calm but Liam saw the tears in Niall's eyes. They were in his as well._

_"Like I said, Mr Horan, there is little to nothing we can do as we only discovered it in this late stadium. You said yourself that it hurts to breath and if you decide to continue singing, without listening to your doctors, I'm afraid it will go downhill sooner than later." The doctor, a man in his late 50s, sat in the chair behind his desk. Niall and Liam were seated on the other side._

_It was a few days after Niall was at the doctor's to get tested because he was complaining about his hurting chest all the time and Liam, the protective one he was, insisted on going to the doctor. Niall only obliged because Liam promised he would come with him as he knew how scared Niall was._

_The diagnosis wasn't anything they dared to think about. Liam just wanted to cover Niall with a thick blanket to protect him and cuddle him until they were asleep._

_He just couldn't believe that Niall had lung cancer._

\---

_The tour was cancelled after that devastating conversation at the doctor's office and just like that everything seemed to get worse._

_It wasn't long after we got the diagnosis that Niall felt worse every day and so much changed._

_He used to be a morning person, waking up at 7am to be able to enjoy the whole day but now there wasn't a day he would wake up before 10am or even later. It varied. But neither of us boys would dare wake him. He needed the rest, we knew that and when he woke up, one of us would help him get down the stairs to the living room, where he spent his days mostly. Sometimes he could go down the stairs by himself, somtimes he needed a helping hand to support him and occasionally we had to carry him because he had no energy to lift his limbs. Those occasion soon became a daily thing and eventually came the first day, he would stay in his room the whole day._

_He wasn't sleeping all of the time but dozing or doing something different. His energy levels were really low._

_He used to sing a lot, even though he knew it hurt like hell but singing was his life and when the day came, where he couldn't sing anymore, he cried and sobbed but we were by his side and since that day we sang to him. It calmed him and he told us the pain wasn't as bad in those moments._

_The fans asked of course and Niall would have loved to tell them that everything would be fine but- he couldn't. His doctor told him there was no chance for him to survive this and Niall understood. That didn't mean he was juts giving up. No, he fought._

_Every day, instead of doing nothing he tried to do things he loved. Those things got less with every day that passed though._

_Niall wanted to do a small press conference for people to ask him about his condition and to clear some things but the day came and Niall felt worse than ever before, which resulted in him going to the hospitalt. Liam was by his side on that day and together they watched the press conference which was now held by Louis, Harry and Zayn. Liam never loosened his grip on Niall's hand. He was too afraid that the young boy would fade away if he did._

_The doctor's were concerned and didn't know if Niall would live to see the next sunrise._

_He was even more dependant on his oxygen tank._

\---

_"Liam, are you awake?", a small, shivering voice asked next to Liam._

_Liam woke up instantly, he couldn't sleep really deep anymore. He turned aroung in the bed and faced the young boy who was laying under two blankets and was still shivering._

_Niall's condition was now so bad that the boys didn't dare leave him alone for only a second. Liam was now sleeping in Niall's room all of the time in case the ill boy needed something or he- well._

_Truth be said, Liam knew there wasn't much time left. Niall was only skin and bones anymore. The food he ate, he through up instantly which was why he was light as a feather. He was always sleepy like he didn't sleep in three days but the naps he did (he couldn't sleep anymore) were even more exhausting. He didn't have any energy left and was completely dependend on his four best friends. Even though the four guys told him that they wanted to help and did this because they cared, Niall still felt like the biggest burden._

_He needed to be washed and to be fed. He was carried to the toilet when he needed to and one of them held him because if they didn't, Niall would crumble down and wouldn't be able to get up again. The oxygen tank was heavier than Niall. The oxygen tank was definitely the bigger burden._

_Niall wasn't a burden. The boys tried to convince Niall of that but it never really worked._

_"Yes Niall, I am awake", Liam finally answered just as softly. Slowly and carefully he raised his hand to lay it down on Niall's forehead. The fever was still there but that was nothing new. There was nothing they could do against it. After that he let his hand slip down a bit. It was now laying on the pale boy's cheek._

_Niall looked him in the eyes with his big, innocent and yet so hurt blue ones. There was nothing Liam wanted more than to make everything better and lift all the pain off his little friend. After a short silence Niall opened his mouth again. "Liam, I'm really cold. And I'm so tired."_

_It broke Liam's heart because he knew all of the things Niall said. He knew Niall was as cold as ice and yet burning up at the same time and that it was hard for the blond boy to keep his eyes open even though he wouldn't be able to sleep because the pain was to much for his small, broken body._

_"It's okay, Niall. I know", he said. Was there anything else he could say?_

_"Can you sing something?", Niall asked which surprised Liam a bit. The boys almost never sang anymore in this house because the loud noise hurt Niall's ears or the young boy was too sad. He wanted to sing as well. But he couldn't. There was just no way._

_Without thinking about it too much, Liam nodded a bit and tried to think of a song._

_He couldn't really think of a suitable song but decided on singing a slow version of 'Little Things' because he knew how much Niall loved the song. Whenever they sang it on stage and Niall had his solo he would cry because the fans reminded him of how much he was loved._

_Liam sang._

_And while he was singing, Niall's eyes slowly closed and for the first time in so long, his face didn't show any sign of pain._

_Liam not only sang but moved closer to his friend, laid his arms around his small frame and cried, the tears slowly falling down his cheeks._

\---

_The worst day in Liam's life will probably be Niall's funeral. Never in his life has he felt like something was this wrong. There shouldn't be a funeral and especially not their Niall's._

_Everyone was crying. Niall's family, his friends, the fans._

_Liam volunteered to give a small speech, like a little goodbye for the blond boy. While he was standing in front of all those people Liam knew oh so well, he felt lost. Next to him was this damned coffin and in it his little friend. He had to look away._

_Instead he trained his eyes on the crying and devastated people in front of him who waited for him to start speaking, hoping for comforting words. Liam knew his words would never be comforting. The only comforting thing would be if Niall was here._

_But he wasn't and Liam didn't want to stand here._

_He closed his eyes for a few seconds, breathing in and out and repeating this a few times. Of course he knew that the people were waiting for him to speak but they wouldn't push him because they knew how he felt._

_As soon as Liam opened his eyes he was blinded. The sun shone right through the big window Liam was facing and Liam knew that Niall was here. He was listening._

_Liam smiled._

_"To be honest, I don't really know what to say. What do you say on the funeral of your best friend?", he began. His voice was firm, not shaking even the tiniest bit but the tears were still on his cheeks._

_"For the ones who don't know me, which I honestly doubt but whatever (everyone laughed a bit): I'm Liam, Niall's band- and flatmate. Niall and I had a really strong bond, we were like brothers and best friends at once." He cringed. "You can't imagine how hard it is to talk about him in the past. It's so hard." He needed a second to recompose himself._

_"I'm sorry." Some people were nodding understandingly. "When Niall started to complain about his annoying chest pain I thought he just had a harmless cold but eventually I started to realise that it didn't get any better and Niall was coughing more and more. I decided to take him to a doctor because better save than sorry._

_You all probably know how much Niall hatet doctors and being sick, so it was really hard to get him convinced that he was ill enough to go to the doctor, which we eventually did. We had to tell the doctor all of Niall's symptoms, which I can't all remember to be honest, but I remember the concerned look on the doctor's face after we finished. There were so many tests Niall had to go through just to get this damn diagnosis._

_It was awful, I'm not gonna lie, I'm sorry. That day in the doctor's office when the doctor told me and Niall he had lung cancer? I don't know everything that happened anymore. Only that Niall couldn't believe it and tried to convince the doctor into telling him he was lying. When that didn't change anything he was crying and begging the doctor to heal him because he wanted to continue on singing and going on tours with Louis, Harry, Zayn and me. A crying Niall. You all know that isn't anything someone wants to see. And the worst part was that I couldn't console him. I felt useless."_

_Everyone was quiet. Not everyone has seen the young boy crying but listening to Liam's words was enough to make them believe that it was, indeed, awful to see._

_"The following months were the worst thing I've ever lived through. Seeing someone you love deteriorate as quickly as Niall did is nothing I wish my worst nightmare. At first it was kind of okay. There wasn't much of a change in his behaviour or his self but we knew it wouldn't stay like that._

_He got weaker every day and eventually couldn't do anything without me or the lads carrying him or taking care of him."_

_Liam stopped talking and remembered the last night. Was he ready to talk about it? There was nobody but the two of them in Niall's last night and nobody has heard what happened. But with one look to Niall's coffin and another warm ray of sunshine he decided he wanted to talk about it._

_"Like I said, I was there when he got the diagnosis and- and I was there when he took his last breath. It was-", he tried to remember when it was, "two weeks ago, I think?", he asked aloud because he had no concept of time left. Some people were nodding almost unnoticeable._

_"Yeah, it was two weeks ago and Niall had a high fever for some days already. He was too weak to do anything and we knew he hadn't had a lot of time left, that's why we never left him alone again and I moved into his room. That's why I was there._

_He woke me up and asked me if I could sing him a song, which I did. He was so cold and shivering like he was laying in a bath full of ice and he told me how exhausted he was. It broke my heart for the thousandth time but nonetheless I started to sing. While I sang he-", his voice broke._

_"He closed his eyes and looked the most calm I have seen him in a long, long time. There was no trace of pain on his features."_

_His voice got quieter with every word he said and finally he finished. The silence in the room was deafening. Nobody dared to say something._

_Liam stood there, thinking. Then he began to talk again._

_"Niall may be dead but we won't forget him because he will be with us forever. In our hearts, in our minds, on CDs and even DVDs. He will always be our Nialler and nothing will change that."_

\---

Sadly, after the funeral nothing was better and even though everybody remembered Liam's words, grieving wasn't to be forgotten easily.

That's why Zayn. Louis, Harry and Liam were now standing devastated in their home, the house where Niall lived his last months of life and the house the four boys avoided for days. The memories were too fresh but somehow they were here again.

The plan was to get Niall's belongings together and throw them away but they all knew, they could never do that. They wanted to pile them up at least and put them away until they were ready to face them again. The didn't start yet though.

Knowing none of the other three lads would start, Liam focussed on the real world and decided to start what they wanted to do. Not only that but he wanted to begin in Niall's room where the memories would hit him the most but he kind of needed to be around Niall's things and where better to go than Niall's room.

He slowly moved forwards until he reached the stairs. The stairs. He had to carry Niall down these stairs a lot of time which wasn't really a bother as Niall didn't weight much at all. Liam cringed at the thought. Niall's bones were poking his sides and they almost hurt.

Closing his eyes he climbed the steps. He knew them well enough to remember how many steps there were and managed not to trip and fall down. He just couldn't face the stairs.

And then he wanted to go into Niall's room? Good luck.

Speaking of which, Liam now stood in front of the wooden door behind which there would be Niall's whereabout for the last whatever months. He hesitated but with another deep breath he gripped the door handle and slowly opened the door.

He immediately wanted to close it again and run away. The room smelled like Niall, there were his belongings everywhere and his bed wasn't even made yet. It was the bed Niall died in, Liam realised and began to cry again.

He took a few steps into the room and when he stood in the centre he slowly turned around himself. There was Niall's bed, his cupboard and his desk, where he wrote his songs.

There was a notebook on the top of it and Liam wasn't sure since when it was laying there because he never noticed it. He wondered if he wanted to take a look into it. His decision was yes. He had to begin somewhere.

He took the notebook into his hand and opened it to the first side.

_'Hello, this is my first time writing something in here and I've never had a diary before, so I don't really know what to write. My mom gave it to me as a present because I won't be home for a few weeks._

_You may ask where I will be. Well, I finally auditioned at x-Factor and I've come through! Can you believe that?! Greg laughed when I told him I got through but that's okay because I will show him what I can do and I will win!_

_Well, we will win. We? Yes! I wasn't good enough to get through as an solo artist, that's why Simon Cowell (I've actually met him!!!) put me into a band with FOUR!!! other boys. Their names are Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne. They are great and actually a lot better than I am but I am really greatful to have them in the band. Harry also said it would be cool to call us One Direction because we all want the same thing._

_So, this diary will document my days in One Direction! I'm really exited to see what will happen with us and where we will end up. Maybe some time in the far future we may be going on tour? Who knows?_

_I already love them so much and I can't believe they are my friends. Firstly, we have to win the x-Factor though and then we can spend the rest of our lives together!_

_Maybe this diary will some day be my memoir and it gets published because I'm a big Rockstar. That would be amazing! If it will get published then my best friends will read this. I'm probably hiding somewhere when someone reads this because it is sooooo emberassing. I mean, isn't a diary a girl thing? Well, I don't care. Boys can do girls things, right?_

_If this gets published and One Direction reads this: This book is for you because you are the best people in the world._

_Harry, I really love your hair and I hope I'm allowed to touch it some day when we are best friends. Also, I've tasted the cake you made yesterday without telling you and I'm sorry but it was the best cake I've ever eaten. Hopefully I can eat it again._

_Hey Zayn. I think you are the coolest person to exist. I think you are a good dancer, even though you didn't want to dance in front of the judges. You are so much better than me. Also, I'm really jealous about how high you can sing!_

_Louis, I've learned that some people call you Tommo. That's amazing and I'm going to call you that for the rest of my life... If I don't forget. I think you are really funny and you make the best jokes. I hope we can play football together soon because I know you are a good player._

_I'm sorry I've called you dad yesterday, Liam. It's just that you act exactly like my dad and you even talk like him! Your voice is really smooth and I love it so much. I hope you will sing a song some day and I am allowed to fall asleep because your voice calms me so much._

_Now my hand is hurting. I think I'm going to mention you other people on another page._

_Bye bye_   
_Niall'_

Liam cried so much.

He didn't know that Niall had a diary and wrote such beautiful texts into it. His heart was melting. He realised that he had to show this to his other three bandmates.

After closing the notebook again and leaving the room, he made his way to his grieving friends and telling them about the diary Niall left.

This was what Liam was talking about. Niall may be dead but he is still here! Well, Liams words did stay in the people's minds but it was something different to get a reminder of Niall himself.

Niall was still here and they just had to remember him. Then he would never die. It may take some time for them to be able to smile and laugh again but sitting on the veranda of their home while the notebook was in front of them and seeing the single ray of sunshine that shone right on the book, it didn't seem to be impossible anymore.


End file.
